Home Again

Just a brief note to let my loyal readers know that I am back in the Land of the Stars ‘n Bars, safely nestled in the ample bosom of Mother America.


Following my trial in the desert, I returned to Constantinople and smuggled aboard a tramp steamer. This is not the ideal way to travel, as these vessels are the refuge of tattooed men and sodomites.

I hid inside a musty cargo hold, surviving on a diet of sardines, raw grains and sub-grade rum. When we made San Diego, I dusted myself off and casually walked across the gangplank.

The ship’s captain stopped me: “Who are you?”

“My name is Chips,” I replied, “I’m the ship’s carpenter.”

“This vessel don’t have a carpenter,” he said.

“Well, then," I said.

“Well, then, what?” he said.

“Well, then. I steal your hat," I replied.

Then I stole his hat.