Story From a Moving Picture Show

Recently I went with my Dora to see a moving picture show titled Don Q – Son of Zorro. It starred the strapping and athletic Douglas Fairbanks who performed many thrilling acts of derring-do.


About two-thirds through the picture, my concentration was interrupted by a blubber-gutted Swede who insisted on eating his popping corn in a very loud and irritating manner.

I turned to him and said: “Sir, would you please stop eating your popping corn in a very loud and irritating manner?”

He apologized and began eating his popping corn more slowly, which did nothing to decrease the volume of his vulgar swabbling.

I turned to him once again and said: “Sir, that isn’t making matters any better. You are just eating your popping corn more slowly.”

He complained that he didn’t know how to eat his popping corn more quietly. So, I suggested that I would purchase him a quieter snack such as Butterscotch Buttons or Salt Water Taffy.

He replied: “I only like Circus Peanuts.”

I said: “Peanuts can be a very loud snack product.”

He replied: “No, Circus peanuts are an orange-colored, peanut-shaped, marshmallow snack product.”

I said: “Oh, that sounds very interesting. I think I would like to try these ‘Circus Peanuts’.”

At this point, the organ player – a drooling dunderhead of a man – ceased playing his Wurlitzer and said: “Please, you gentlemen are ruining the moving picture show for the remainder of the audience.”

I said: “I think your fumble-fingered organ-playing has already accomplished that.”

He replied: “I’d like to take you outside and show you some manners.”

So I did what any gentleman would do: I pulled out a straight-razor and slashed him across the chest.

After I was released from a local detention facility, Dora complained that I had “ruined her evening.” Ah, Dora – she is so sweet but unfortunately, being a woman, lacks the sufficient intellect to understand the intricacies of the masculine moral code.