Season's Compliments

Well, ‘tis that time of the season again – time in which to ply fireside affections from my Dora with silk hosieries and await that jolly Hun, Santa Claus’ arrival down my chimney with trench club and bayonet at my side. Here’s wishing you a warm Yuletide and a Kraut-free New Year.

Opinions of an Advertising Man, Pt. IV

In my experience I have found that one of the most valuable methods of reaching your audience is to attach an appealing character to your brand. I have found, more often than not, whether I’m advertising vegetable compounds or copper roofings that no character is more appealing than the Old Sea Captain.
Take, for instance, this advertisement I placed for Zonitors vaginal suppositories:


Here, the Old Sea Captain adds a knowledgeable, paternal note to what would otherwise be an uncomfortable subject for most women. After all, owing to his many salty dockside liaisons, who knows more about the problems of intimate feminine cleanliness than this friendly, sea-faring fellow?

Story From a Moving Picture Show

Recently I went with my Dora to see a moving picture show titled Don Q – Son of Zorro. It starred the strapping and athletic Douglas Fairbanks who performed many thrilling acts of derring-do.


About two-thirds through the picture, my concentration was interrupted by a blubber-gutted Swede who insisted on eating his popping corn in a very loud and irritating manner.

I turned to him and said: “Sir, would you please stop eating your popping corn in a very loud and irritating manner?”

He apologized and began eating his popping corn more slowly, which did nothing to decrease the volume of his vulgar swabbling.

I turned to him once again and said: “Sir, that isn’t making matters any better. You are just eating your popping corn more slowly.”

He complained that he didn’t know how to eat his popping corn more quietly. So, I suggested that I would purchase him a quieter snack such as Butterscotch Buttons or Salt Water Taffy.

He replied: “I only like Circus Peanuts.”

I said: “Peanuts can be a very loud snack product.”

He replied: “No, Circus peanuts are an orange-colored, peanut-shaped, marshmallow snack product.”

I said: “Oh, that sounds very interesting. I think I would like to try these ‘Circus Peanuts’.”

At this point, the organ player – a drooling dunderhead of a man – ceased playing his Wurlitzer and said: “Please, you gentlemen are ruining the moving picture show for the remainder of the audience.”

I said: “I think your fumble-fingered organ-playing has already accomplished that.”

He replied: “I’d like to take you outside and show you some manners.”

So I did what any gentleman would do: I pulled out a straight-razor and slashed him across the chest.

After I was released from a local detention facility, Dora complained that I had “ruined her evening.” Ah, Dora – she is so sweet but unfortunately, being a woman, lacks the sufficient intellect to understand the intricacies of the masculine moral code.

Opinions of an Advertising Man, Pt. III

As any big ticket advertising man knows, one of the most effective ways to reach your audience is through open threats. I have found where beauty of form, clarity of expression, taste of arrangement, and excellence of idea fail – open threats are efficiently persuasive.

Take, for instance, this advertisement I placed for Kreml Shampoo in Good Mothering Magazine:



Here, I had a fortunate conspiracy between client and magazine. Knowing that this would be placed in Good Mothering Magazine, I wrote advertising copy specifically geared towards a maternal audience.

I also created a similar advertisement for children’s magazines warning children: “If your mother doesn’t purchase Kreml Shampoo, she secretly hates you and wants TOBOR to eat you.”

Chester’s Dangerous Dance With Lady H

After a harrowing detour, I’m back amongst the living. You see, my “dear friend” Abner Bosterly failed to inform me that one of the many charming side-effects of “heroin” is that it is highly-addictive. I’ve peeled through a lot of kale this past weekend: $250, in fact!

I’ve slept in drainage ditches, eaten a live Grey Squirrel and done many other things in the service of the Demon-Heroin that I’d prefer not to discuss.

I’ve Got the Prohibition Blues

Well, it seems my precious supply of hooch has run dry sooner than I thought. And what with the Temperance Army running rampant over this great land of ours - the end of Prohibition is nary in sight.

A good friend of mine, Abner Bosterly, has directed me to the local pharmacy to pick up something he called, “heroin.”

Apparently, it’s derived from poppy plants. I told him, “A full-chested fella such as I doesn’t fuss with flower-juice.”

Alas, he has insisted that this “heroin” will make me “forget all about hooch.” So tonight I’m going to fill my flask with “heroin” and have myself a real hooter-tooter.

Opinions of an Advertising Man, Pt. II

The other day I came across this advertisement in my Dora’s copy of Whiz Bang magazine. Frankly, I must say I was appalled! This campaign for Palmolive complexion soap is irresponsible, downright dangerous and tantamount to treason.


The subtext of the advertisement is obvious to all that view it: Women, rise up against your male masters! Beat them back with your weapon of choice - be it golf club, Egyptian pottery or blunderbuss! Force them into a life of manual labor and sexual subserviency!

Notice the illustration of the woman - red-eyed, frothing at the mouth, raising her weapon like the Hindu warrior-goddess Durga. This was, no doubt, the work of some frigid suffragette intent on burning down the United States Capitol and erecting some sort of pagan monument to Susan B. Anthony - the first bastion of a cruel-headed and ruthless matriarchal republic whose rule will last a thousand years.

Well, whoever you are, dear lady, I will be writing a very heated letter to Whiz Bang magazine!

Chester's Sparkling New Brewster Zephyr

I had the recent good fortune to be photographed with my brand-new purchase, a Brewster Zephyr. This beaut comes from All-American Long Island City. At eighteen-feet long, it's the most compact and sporting model available. The lofty price of $64.00 American may be some long green, but money is no object when it comes to the best in horseless conveyance. Look out, you dames - Chester's on wheels!